THE
2004
DAKAR DECEPTION
Freaky
Styley Madness at Maungakeikei
| deception
(n) [dee-sep-chun]: An act of trickery, falsely representing
oneself to obtain an unfair advantage (col.) 'To do a Marty' |
It all started off innocently
enough with the Worlds Biggest Disc Golf Day.
No-one spotted the horns...
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The
infamous Dakar Trophy has certainly
had it's fair share of controversy in it's history,
but none so much as the weekend of the World's
Biggest Disc Golf Day in May of 2004.
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EVIDENCE
of DECEPTION!
Note how The Dev has everyone
looking up whilst he oversteps the mark. Pictures don't
lie.
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It all started innocently enough with first-time
holder of the Dakar, the Grand
Master, deciding it would be a nice conclusion
to the World's Biggest Disc Golf Day to put the Dakar
up for grabs in the afternoon.
And
so after a misty morning of demonstrating the great game
of disc golf to a few Kiwi beginners, the Freaky
Styley crew gathered at the clubrooms to hear the
format for the 2nd annual Dakar Deception.
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In
the clubhouse, the true and honest Grand Master
announced that he had entrusted the Dakar
handicapping to one as true and honest as himself, the ever
sincere Gabb. |
However,
it was soon evident that certain divisions had somehow grown
within the ranks as Devil
de Haas invoked a call for unworthy handicaps
to be awarded to certain players, namely himself.
Incredibly
there was little protest - later analysis of video evidence
showed that most of the players at this stage were already
victims of The Dev's
vicious hex.
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Richard
is already entranced in The
Dev's spell, as
the horned monster works on other competitors before tee-off.
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So
as the troops headed out to the first tee, it already seemed
all over. It was up to the few thick skinned who had resisted
the trance-like grip The Dev
had on the field. Jimmie the Fish hadn't
listening during the briefing of the crazy handicap system
and so, with the advantage of innocence, he proved a thorn
in The Dev's
butt all the way.
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The Beast fires
a brave putt on the difficult par 3 tenth. |
Newcomer
to the Dakar and apprentice Beast, Professor
Josh Helmink achieved his goal of beating up the
ol' man. He also scored better in the golf.
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Newcomer Disillusioned
The
Freaksters were pleased to welcome junior Beast Professor
Josh to vie for the Dakar.
Expecting no favours due to his freshness, The Prof
was, however, taken aback by the blatant trickery performed
by The Dev;
"I understand my chances were numerically insufficient,
however the arithmetic manipulation performed by this mischievous
individual indicated a major deviation of statistical partiality
towards said referenced creature of malevolence.."
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| Huh!?
we said - "In short," replied the mad scientist,
"I feel hoodwinked, suitably duped - if you like, deceived."
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On
Ya Own, Jimmie
As
the round progressed it became apparent that Jimmie
The Fish would be the only threat to the Evil
One - it appeared The
Dev had not counted on Jimmie
to pot any putts.
But FS's Sorcery Director finally showed
some good form in his short game, and with a reasonable
handicap, Jimmie had The
Dev worried.
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John Helmink
watches his favourite player, The Beast, heave a drive up
toward the silhouetted basket on the 13th. |
Slightly
weary, but still firing strong, No Sleep rakes one up the
slope of the short par 3 eleventh.
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Of course, the devious leftie would not let this
happen - with 2 holes to go, Jimmie had
a crucial putt - "I had just watched brother Gabb
miss from 4 feet and I had the same distance for a birdie
and 2 shot swing," said the Toasted Percussionist,
"and then all I can remember is The
Dev humming the theme from 'All
In The Family'!"
"After that, all I could think of was Archie
Bunker - the golf was over for me."
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Sure
enough The Source missed that sitter and
ended up slipping to 2 shots behind after The
Dev subtracted his outrageous 5 shot handicap.
"5 shots!?" Jimmie remarked,
"man, we've been deceived!"
Yes,
it's true - the part-man, part-chef had managed to convince
all that he required a beginner's level handicap.
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Was
sorcery at work? Was some kind of spell cast upon the Stylers?
There were certainly some hazey eyes walking the course
that afternoon. And once Toby's head started to rotate,
things were just outright peculiar.
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Another heavenly putt from the
incumbent Dakar Champion, this time into
bouncing MTBasket of the tough 5th hole designed by the Freaky
Styley Fat Tyre Boys. |
Once
some incriminating pictures were developed in the impartial
Gabb Dark Room Studios, it was felt there
was enough evidence to appeal for an inquiry with the NZ
Court of Sports (& Warts) Inquiry.
As
soon as the NZCWI heard of the appeal, they
quickly dropped a yachting inquiry it was dealing with and
accepted evidence and testimony from those involved.
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'PERMISION
TO LAND DENIED'
'Mo' Serf tried hard, but his dry weather discs would not
read the script (see side story)...
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And so the disc golf world held it's breath
whilst deliberations went on for days.
Finally
a press release arrived via Router with an absolute and
final ruling.
The
document indeed sited acts which were deemed deplorable
and worthy of lengthy bans, large fines and a real big chinese
burn.
However,
at the bottom, under a heading "CONCLUSION" was
...
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This
Court has noted the name of the tournament was 'The Dakar
Deception'.
It is therefore befitting it shall be won by any means possible,
however evil those means shall be.
The Court deems that all other players on the day must be
dim-witted, ridiculously naive, gullible spastics.
Signed
Commission Head and Jury,
Sir
Paäs de Haäs. |
A devilishly long putt on the
18th to finish it all - an illegal straddle putt just to
rub it in.
GOOD -vs- EVIL
The
Dev
laughs in the face of the angelic Grand Master as he snatches
the Dakar before any prize giving ceremony could start,
gesturing up to the green where the GM had found a mysterious
cow pat in his bag.
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Back
to the top
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"He
ain't my mate!"
As
we all know, lefties like to stick together ever since the days
long ago, when they were drowned at birth. But today we witnessed
the opposite of this Southpaw Camaraderie when leftie John
'The Beast' Helmink disowned any friendly relationship
with The Dev.
"He ain't my mate any more!"
stated the Erratic Engineer at the halfway point,
"All week he has been in my ear about how we need to stick
together and that the rightie have no right to the Dakar."
The eyes of The Beast fire up as he tells his story,
"Then on the second hole," he said, "I'm
about to putt for birdie and he's in my ear again, only this time
telling me to lay up!! Then he coughs just when I'm about to putt!
I think he nicked my favourite Beast too - oh hang on, there it
is back at the tee."
Suffice to say this is one leftie that won't be associating with
The Dev for some
time; "I thought he was my mate - I feel, well, deceived"
An
Ace doesn't consol Grand Master
When
the Grand Master realised the deviancy
going on, one could see the focus in the eyes of the 65-times
DG Champion.
And sure enough he started to play a game worthy of divine status
with this incredible ace on the par 3 12th through the Tunnel
of Trees.
But
it was all too late: "It's a sad day for Disc Golf,"
commented the Kiwi King of Frisbee "I
thought all disc golfers were above this. I was wrong, I've been
deceived!"
"I
thought he was a pal..."
When
it comes to buddies, you would have to say No Sleep Pete
and Marty Pants are good chums.
That's why the restless clubber played along with The
Dev's deceptive plan to support his outrageous handicap.
"'You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours' is what he
said to me", remarked the Handsome Homeboy,
"so when Gabb started to complain about
the unfairness of Marty's handicap I told him to
own up, grow up and don't be a carpet."
It
wasn't long into the game that The Sleepless One
realised he had been duped; "I could see that he was
going to take the Dakar without any challenge.
Not only that, but he had slipped 45 sleeping pills into my beer
and I was feeling a tad weary for the first time in years."
The Master of DNF is now riddled with guilt over
his maltreatment of Gabb; "How will
he ever forgive me?" sobbed the Jackie Chan
of Disc Golf, "I'm going to start by buying
him beers every day, but it might take a couple of years."
"Man, I feel cheated - I've been deceived - and I thought
he was a pal..."
"I
should have listened to Gabb.."
On
the books Radical Rich was an early favourite.
His relative virginity to the sport had him on an advantageous handicap.
But
that all meant nothing once he allowed long time buddy Marty
Pants inside his head. "I should have listened
to Gabb," commented the handsome hunk,
"I was going well at hole 4 and then I reached in my bag
- there was fresh cow pat everywhere!"
"After that, as I crumbled, The
Dev kept muttering shit related comments like 'Is
that your turd shot?' and 'You throw like Mr Faeces.."
Weather
or Not
One
Stylist who walked away with a feeling of being kicked in the guts
was the man who first held the Dakar aloft, Dave
'Mo' Serf.
As we know 'Mo' is an expert on lunar phases and
the moon's astral effect on the weather. However a phone call Saturday
evening put the lenient leftie in a spin.
"It
was Marty Pants giving me some weatherly advice
- I don't know how I allowed it to happen, but he convinced me Sunday
would be fine and sunny."
The hairy lipped surfer quips on his gullibility; "My heart
knew I should prepare for misty rain, but somehow The
Dev persuaded me to leave my wet discs,
raincoat and towels at home."
And so, of course, Mo's game stunk of poor preparation
with shiny discs slipping out of hand, a wet t-shirt clinging to
his finely ripped abs and many tumbles in his flat soles shoes.
"I should have know better - I trusted him and I was, well,
deceived..."
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