It's freaky, it's styley and it's classic - The Freaky Styley Classic
This is part of our '2004: The Year That Was' feature click here to go to the current website.
Freaky Styley Madness at Maungakeikei

deception (n) [dee-sep-chun]: An act of trickery, falsely representing oneself to obtain an unfair advantage (col.) 'To do a Marty'

It all started off innocently enough with the Worlds Biggest Disc Golf Day.
No-one spotted the horns...

The infamous Dakar Trophy has certainly had it's fair share of controversy in it's history, but none so much as the weekend of the World's Biggest Disc Golf Day in May of 2004.

Note how The Dev has everyone looking up whilst he oversteps the mark. Pictures don't lie.

It all started innocently enough with first-time holder of the Dakar, the Grand Master, deciding it would be a nice conclusion to the World's Biggest Disc Golf Day to put the Dakar up for grabs in the afternoon.

And so after a misty morning of demonstrating the great game of disc golf to a few Kiwi beginners, the Freaky Styley crew gathered at the clubrooms to hear the format for the 2nd annual Dakar Deception.

In the clubhouse, the true and honest Grand Master announced that he had entrusted the Dakar handicapping to one as true and honest as himself, the ever sincere Gabb.

However, it was soon evident that certain divisions had somehow grown within the ranks as Devil de Haas invoked a call for unworthy handicaps to be awarded to certain players, namely himself.

Incredibly there was little protest - later analysis of video evidence showed that most of the players at this stage were already victims of The Dev's vicious hex.

Richard is already entranced in The Dev's spell, as the horned monster works on other competitors before tee-off.

So as the troops headed out to the first tee, it already seemed all over. It was up to the few thick skinned who had resisted the trance-like grip The Dev had on the field. Jimmie the Fish hadn't listening during the briefing of the crazy handicap system and so, with the advantage of innocence, he proved a thorn in The Dev's butt all the way.

The Beast fires a brave putt on the difficult par 3 tenth.

Newcomer to the Dakar and apprentice Beast, Professor Josh Helmink achieved his goal of beating up the ol' man. He also scored better in the golf.

Newcomer Disillusioned

The Freaksters were pleased to welcome junior Beast Professor Josh to vie for the Dakar.
Expecting no favours due to his freshness, The Prof was, however, taken aback by the blatant trickery performed by The Dev; "I understand my chances were numerically insufficient, however the arithmetic manipulation performed by this mischievous individual indicated a major deviation of statistical partiality towards said referenced creature of malevolence.."

Huh!? we said - "In short," replied the mad scientist, "I feel hoodwinked, suitably duped - if you like, deceived."

On Ya Own, Jimmie

As the round progressed it became apparent that Jimmie The Fish would be the only threat to the Evil One - it appeared The Dev had not counted on Jimmie to pot any putts.
But FS's Sorcery Director finally showed some good form in his short game, and with a reasonable handicap, Jimmie had The Dev worried.

John Helmink watches his favourite player, The Beast, heave a drive up toward the silhouetted basket on the 13th.

Slightly weary, but still firing strong, No Sleep rakes one up the slope of the short par 3 eleventh.

Of course, the devious leftie would not let this happen - with 2 holes to go, Jimmie had a crucial putt - "I had just watched brother Gabb miss from 4 feet and I had the same distance for a birdie and 2 shot swing," said the Toasted Percussionist, "and then all I can remember is The Dev humming the theme from 'All In The Family'!"
"After that, all I could think of was Archie Bunker - the golf was over for me."

Sure enough The Source missed that sitter and ended up slipping to 2 shots behind after The Dev subtracted his outrageous 5 shot handicap. "5 shots!?" Jimmie remarked, "man, we've been deceived!"

Yes, it's true - the part-man, part-chef had managed to convince all that he required a beginner's level handicap.

Was sorcery at work? Was some kind of spell cast upon the Stylers? There were certainly some hazey eyes walking the course that afternoon. And once Toby's head started to rotate, things were just outright peculiar.

Another heavenly putt from the incumbent Dakar Champion, this time into bouncing MTBasket of the tough 5th hole designed by the Freaky Styley Fat Tyre Boys.

Once some incriminating pictures were developed in the impartial Gabb Dark Room Studios, it was felt there was enough evidence to appeal for an inquiry with the NZ Court of Sports (& Warts) Inquiry.

As soon as the NZCWI heard of the appeal, they quickly dropped a yachting inquiry it was dealing with and accepted evidence and testimony from those involved.

'Mo' Serf tried hard, but his dry weather discs would not read the script (see side story)...

And so the disc golf world held it's breath whilst deliberations went on for days.

Finally a press release arrived via Router with an absolute and final ruling.

The document indeed sited acts which were deemed deplorable and worthy of lengthy bans, large fines and a real big chinese burn.

However, at the bottom, under a heading "CONCLUSION" was ...

This Court has noted the name of the tournament was 'The Dakar Deception'.
It is therefore befitting it shall be won by any means possible, however evil those means shall be.
The Court deems that all other players on the day must be dim-witted, ridiculously naive, gullible spastics.

Signed Commission Head and Jury,

Sir Paäs de Haäs.

A devilishly long putt on the 18th to finish it all - an illegal straddle putt just to rub it in.

The Dev laughs in the face of the angelic Grand Master as he snatches the Dakar before any prize giving ceremony could start, gesturing up to the green where the GM had found a mysterious cow pat in his bag.

Back to the top

"He ain't my mate!"

As we all know, lefties like to stick together ever since the days long ago, when they were drowned at birth. But today we witnessed the opposite of this Southpaw Camaraderie when leftie John 'The Beast' Helmink disowned any friendly relationship with The Dev.

"He ain't my mate any more!" stated the Erratic Engineer at the halfway point, "All week he has been in my ear about how we need to stick together and that the rightie have no right to the Dakar."
The eyes of The Beast fire up as he tells his story, "Then on the second hole," he said, "I'm about to putt for birdie and he's in my ear again, only this time telling me to lay up!! Then he coughs just when I'm about to putt! I think he nicked my favourite Beast too - oh hang on, there it is back at the tee."
Suffice to say this is one leftie that won't be associating with The Dev for some time; "I thought he was my mate - I feel, well, deceived"

An Ace doesn't consol Grand Master

When the Grand Master realised the deviancy going on, one could see the focus in the eyes of the 65-times DG Champion.
And sure enough he started to play a game worthy of divine status with this incredible ace on the par 3 12th through the Tunnel of Trees.

But it was all too late: "It's a sad day for Disc Golf," commented the Kiwi King of Frisbee "I thought all disc golfers were above this. I was wrong, I've been deceived!"

"I thought he was a pal..."

When it comes to buddies, you would have to say No Sleep Pete and Marty Pants are good chums.
That's why the restless clubber played along with The Dev's deceptive plan to support his outrageous handicap.
"'You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours' is what he said to me", remarked the Handsome Homeboy, "so when Gabb started to complain about the unfairness of Marty's handicap I told him to own up, grow up and don't be a carpet."

It wasn't long into the game that The Sleepless One realised he had been duped; "I could see that he was going to take the Dakar without any challenge. Not only that, but he had slipped 45 sleeping pills into my beer and I was feeling a tad weary for the first time in years."
The Master of DNF is now riddled with guilt over his maltreatment of Gabb; "How will he ever forgive me?" sobbed the Jackie Chan of Disc Golf, "I'm going to start by buying him beers every day, but it might take a couple of years."
"Man, I feel cheated - I've been deceived - and I thought he was a pal..."

"I should have listened to Gabb.."

On the books Radical Rich was an early favourite. His relative virginity to the sport had him on an advantageous handicap.

Suddenly his game turned to shite...

But that all meant nothing once he allowed long time buddy Marty Pants inside his head. "I should have listened to Gabb," commented the handsome hunk, "I was going well at hole 4 and then I reached in my bag - there was fresh cow pat everywhere!"
"After that, as I crumbled, The Dev kept muttering shit related comments like 'Is that your turd shot?' and 'You throw like Mr Faeces.."

Weather or Not

One Stylist who walked away with a feeling of being kicked in the guts was the man who first held the Dakar aloft, Dave 'Mo' Serf.
As we know 'Mo' is an expert on lunar phases and the moon's astral effect on the weather. However a phone call Saturday evening put the lenient leftie in a spin.

"It was Marty Pants giving me some weatherly advice - I don't know how I allowed it to happen, but he convinced me Sunday would be fine and sunny."
The hairy lipped surfer quips on his gullibility; "My heart knew I should prepare for misty rain, but somehow The Dev persuaded me to leave my wet discs, raincoat and towels at home."
And so, of course, Mo's game stunk of poor preparation with shiny discs slipping out of hand, a wet t-shirt clinging to his finely ripped abs and many tumbles in his flat soles shoes.
"I should have know better - I trusted him and I was, well, deceived..."

Horny Golf!

The Dev was asked to comment on claims there was deceit and trickery involved in his win.

"I have one thing to say," he replied with an evil grin, "the Dakar is mine - MINE! ALL MINE! Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA!

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